Fancy a Maccy D's? We've all popped in for a cheeky burger when hunger strikes, but not everything on the golden arches menu deserves your hard-earned quid.
From soggy disappointments to proper taste sensations, I've munched my way through the entire menu to separate the brilliant from the blimey-that's-awful.
Here's the definitive ranking of what to swerve and what to savour.
1. Limp And Lifeless Filet-O-Fish
Square fish should raise eyebrows straightaway. The soggy half-slice of processed cheese barely melts, while the tartar sauce tastes suspiciously like mayonnaise that's gone off.
Left under the heat lamps too long, this maritime mistake becomes a proper culinary crime. Even seagulls would think twice!
2. Flavourless Veggie Deluxe
Calling this bland patty 'deluxe' is like calling a Reliant Robin a sports car. The veggie burger consists of mushy vegetables pressed together with what tastes like wallpaper paste.
Even drowning it in sauce can't save this joyless hockey puck. Vegetarians deserve better than this half-hearted afterthought.
3. Tragic Apple Pie
Remember when these were fried to crispy perfection? Now they're baked into submission, resulting in a cardboard-like crust housing lukewarm apple goop.
The filling resembles baby food more than proper apple chunks. Greggs would never commit such a pudding crime – their pastry game is leagues ahead.
4. Watery Chocolate Milkshake
Proper milkshakes should require serious straw-sucking effort. This brown disappointment flows like chocolate-tinted water with a synthetic aftertaste that lingers uncomfortably.
On hot days, it separates faster than celebrity couples. Even the most sugar-obsessed children deserve a proper shake, not this melted ice cream impersonator.
5. Miserable Breakfast Bagel
Morning commuters beware – this stodgy disappointment will haunt your day. The bagel itself has the texture of a flip-flop that's been left in the sun too long.
Rubbery egg and processed cheese complete this breakfast travesty. For the same price, any decent caff would sort you a proper morning fry-up that doesn't taste of regret.
6. Forgotten Salad Shaker
Who goes to McDonald's for salad? Apparently nobody, since these sit forlornly in the fridge display looking increasingly sad as the day progresses.
Wilted lettuce swimming in watery dressing isn't anyone's idea of healthy eating. Save your conscience and your taste buds – grab a proper salad from Pret instead.
7. Dismal Vegetable Bag
Carrot sticks shouldn't squeak when you bite them. These dehydrated orange batons taste like they were harvested during the last World Cup.
Parents order these in a misguided attempt at nutrition, but children instinctively know better. The accompanying dip tastes suspiciously like thinned-out salad cream – an insult to proper hummus everywhere.
8. Questionable Oatmeal
Morning porridge should be comforting, not concerning. This gloopy concoction has the consistency of wallpaper paste with suspiciously uniform fruit pieces floating about.
Scottish grannies would be reaching for their rolling pins in outrage. For roughly the same price, you could buy an entire week's worth of proper porridge oats from Tesco.
9. Bizarre Bacon Roll
British bacon deserves respect, not this travesty. Mysteriously floppy rashers that neither crisp nor curl lie sadly between bread that's somehow both dry and soggy.
The ketchup packet alongside feels like an admission of guilt. Any greasy spoon café would serve you a proper bacon butty for less dosh – with tea that doesn't taste like dishwater.
10. Soulless Smoothies
Fruit should taste like actual fruit, not like someone whispered 'strawberry' near some sugar water. These overpriced cups of synthetic sweetness bear no resemblance to proper smoothies.
The bizarre aftertaste lingers like an unwelcome party guest. For the same price, you could nip to Boots and get a meal deal with an Innocent smoothie made from actual fruit.
11. God-Tier Big Mac
Culinary perfection achieved through simplicity. That special sauce – a tangy, slightly sweet concoction – mingles with crisp lettuce, sharp pickles and two beef patties in harmonious balance.
The middle bun layer (the oft-forgotten hero) prevents structural collapse while adding just enough bread-to-meat ratio. Unchanged since 1968 for good reason – it's bloody brilliant.
12. Legendary Chicken Selects
Miles ahead of their nugget cousins, these proper chunks of breast meat come in a crunchy coating that actually tastes of something other than salt. The satisfying crunch gives way to genuinely juicy chicken.
Paired with smoky BBQ sauce, they're a revelation. Far superior to any other fast food chicken offering – even the Colonel should be worried.
13. Perfect Breakfast Hash Brown
Morning glory in potato form. These golden-brown beauties strike the perfect balance between crispy exterior and fluffy potato interior – a texture masterclass that puts most gastropub efforts to shame.
Slightly salty with a hint of onion, they're brilliant solo or stuffed inside a McMuffin for DIY genius. Worth getting out of bed for, even with a hangover.
14. Unbeatable McFlurry
When the machine's actually working, this is the king of fast food desserts. The soft serve maintains its integrity while the Maltesers (superior to all American McFlurry mix-ins) provide perfect chocolate crunch.
Unlike the milkshakes, the ice cream has proper density and creaminess. Even posh ice cream parlours struggle to improve on this simple pleasure.
15. Elite Fries
Golden wands of potato perfection. McDonald's fries have a mythical status for good reason – the perfect salt level, the crisp exterior giving way to fluffy potato, and that distinctive flavour that no competitor has ever truly matched.
Best enjoyed immediately – these time-sensitive treasures wait for no one. The benchmark against which all other fast food fries are judged and found wanting.
